Help me to Breathe
by ladyfayth
Summary: RemusxSirius slash. Remus and Sirius finally come to an agreement one christmas night.


_One Shot – Remus and Sirius.__ Words in italics from the song "Duvet" by BoA. If you have never written a story using lyrics in this format, I suggest you do. It is SO MUCH FUN even if you end up with a rubbish story line. You have no idea where your going until it's finished. nods_

"_And you don't seem to understand_; which is _a shame_," added Sirius, almost as an afterthought. Remus scowled and looked across to the animagus with raised eyebrows. One of his arms leant on the table between the two, the other on his lap and his feet were crossed and up on the chair in front of him so that his body was parallel to the table. The dark green sweater that he wore pulled across his chest as he moved; the black school trousers were so creased that one would've thought they had been involved in an unfortunate accident. It wasn't natural for a boy rumple his trousers so, Remus thought. Well it was Sirius…

"No, I don't understand. _You seemed_ rather _an honest_ about the whole thing. Should've known you would _man_age to writhe your way out of it somehow."

"That's unfair," Sirius replied, losing the grin on his lips and replacing it with a small sort of pout. "I tried to tell you, _and all the_ time you wouldn't listen. You have so many _fears_ _that you hold to_. You can't bear to believe that this could've actually been something real."

"So, you're trying to tell me—"

"What I'm trying to tell you, _dear_est Moony, is that I hope you _will_ find it in your heart to believe me and _turn to_ face me, for once this evening, without scowling when you have finally achieved eye contact with me." Sirius tilted his head to one side. An elegant black eyebrow raised in amusement at Remus' open mouth.

"Well… What do you want me to do? Do you want me to serenade you with love songs, _whisper_ sweet nothings _in your ear_ and--?"

"I want you to accept – _and know_ – that _what they say might hurt you_… well… that it might not hurt as much as you think."

Sirius gave a Remus an odd look before lowering his gaze and studying a knot of wood in the table. Remus sighed. How had both of them ended up here? It was midnight – or just gone – and they were sat in the great hall with only the twinkling stars above then and the scones along the wall for light. Christmas decorations adorned the room, hung and threaded through everything that could be used. It was beautiful.

It was confusing – all of it. Not so much the reason as to how they got here but why they were here. A year ago he had thought little of the odd flutterings in his stomach as Sirius brushed his skin, as he ruffled his hair or as he fiercely defended him in the presence of anyone who was malicious to him. A month ago his feelings of hatred had very much changed. He had certainly thought that his feelings of love weren't reciprocated. A week ago he had received the biggest surprise of his life in a kiss given by Sirius. And a day ago? A day ago Remus had never felt so unloved in his entire life.

"You have no idea how much it hurts. _And you _don't _know that it means so much_ that you would even consider me as anything other than a friend. I really believed you. That's how stupid I was. I really believed that that kiss meant something but now… _you don't even feel a thing_."

"_I have fallen_. I have no idea what to say." Sirius looked up again, catching Remus' eye contact, and gave him an irresistible puppy face. It was HIS irresistible puppy face, the one he used when he was desperate for Remus to forgive him. But Remus didn't want to forgive him. Not this time.

"Well, _I have_. Your lust or whatever it was may have _faded _but mine… mine, Padfoot, is as strong as it was the first time I realised it."

Sirius turned his whole body to face Remus and frowned, his eyes stinging a little. If only Remus knew how strongly he felt about him. If only he knew how much Sirius wanted to start something with him. If only he knew that even right now, Sirius was terrified of acting on his feelings for the fear that one day Remus would realised how much better he was and walk away.

"Moony. If I lose you _I _will _have lost it all_. I know you aren't lying. _You don't seem the lying kind_ although you are a bit of a closed book," he added, grinning slightly at Remus who was staring at the wall with bored interest. Seeing that Remus was to give him no attention, Sirius went on, a small frown playing at his lips. "It's _a shame_ then _that_ even _I can read your mind_."

"And what things can you see in my mind?" replied Remus, a little sharper than he had intended.

"Lots and lots. _And all the things that I read there_ contain me and my wonderfulness."

"Don't joke," growled Remus warningly. This wasn't a time for joking. Remus had to know once and for all whether Sirius' groundless flirting was a genuine production of something deeper or whether it was indeed just empty promises. "What kind of things do you think lurk in the deepest recesses of my mind?"

"Books. Lots of books." A childish grin. A heart melting grin. Remus groaned inwardly. He knew that should Sirius try and get out of this, he would succeed. With a couple of smiles and a line of witty conversation he would have beaten Remus and their conversation would be postponed to another situation like this one, where it was inevitable to talk about their feelings.

"How about walks by the lake? Or snowball fights? Or _candle-lit smiles that we both share_?"

"No. I didn't see any of that. Perhaps I wasn't looking hard enough. Hang on. I'll have another try…"

"Sirius! Please just try and be sensible for once in your life."

Sirius hung his head, lifting his eyes so that he looked like a told off puppy. He didn't mean to joke. He didn't mean to annoy Remus. It seemed to be his body's automatic response to having an awkward conversation with his friend. One in which he could reveal deep secrets.

"_You know I didn't mean to hurt you… And you know that it means so much_ that you would care enough to have this conversation with me…"

"_But you don't even feel a thing_, right? Because if that's the case Sirius, I would rather you just tell me now. It would save a lot of heart ache."

"I have… I can't. Moony, I can't tell you that I don't feel a thing because…" Sirius swallowed. He couldn't believe what he was going to say but he had to say it. He had to tell Remus how he felt. It would kill them both if he didn't. "Moony. Remus. I think _I have fallen_ in love with you."

There was an awkward silence and then,

"_I have_ no doubt that you have used that speech on thousands of young girls – and boys – before me. Unfortunately, I think the act has _faded _somewhat over the years—"

"Moony!" Sirius crawled over the table and sat next to Remus, swinging a leg either side of the wooden bench. "I'm being serious--" he cringed at the unintentional pun. "_I have lost it all_ without you. Remus, _I have fallen_ in love with you. I can't help it. I kissed you because… I didn't know what else to do. And I ignored you yesterday because _I _didn't _have _any idea how to handle it. True, my clarity of thought seems to have _faded _somewhat around you but I can promise you Remus, I love you."

Remus watched Sirius uncertainly for a moment before Sirius leant forwards, putting his hands either side of his face, and placed his lips onto Remus'. Merlin, Remus felt head start to swim. His emotions were so mixed up. He had been preparing himself for Sirius rejection but this? What was this? Did Sirius really mean the words he had just spoken?

"_I am drowning._ I have been drowning for years. Watching you every night the moon was out, every time you were upset, every time you were alone. It's been ripping me apart. And all that time, Moony, I have wanted to tell you so badly but I thought… Rather, I NEVER thought you could love me back. Please Remus. _Help me to breathe."_

Sirius was inches from him now. Remus could see every line in his face, every long dark eye lash, every fleck of silver in his grey eyes.

Remus kissed him, slow at first but soon rough and desperate.

"_I am hurting…"_ Remus felt Sirius push him slowly back against the bench.

"_I have lost it all."_ Sirius started to kiss along his jaw line, eliciting soft whimpers from Remus.

_"I am losing."_ Remus grinned against Sirius' mouth. Sirius beamed back, nipping Remus lip softly.

_"Help me to breathe."_


End file.
